


Home

by RebelSugarcube



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Cold Weather, Drawing, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Fluff and Humor, Harry Potter References, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Language, Literal Sleeping Together, Love Confessions, M/M, My First Fanfic, Nightmares, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sharing a Bed, modern slang
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-30
Updated: 2016-09-30
Packaged: 2018-08-18 15:31:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8166916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebelSugarcube/pseuds/RebelSugarcube
Summary: Bucky's memories are back, but the pain these cause to him are unbearable. There is only one person who can help him, the first person he had remembered: his best friend Steve. Bucky doesn't want to admit it, but he is afraid. What happens when Steve starts helping Bucky? Not only will his nightmares disappear, Bucky will soon realize he is falling for Steve in one of the most unexpected ways possible.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I think this is one of the hardest things I've ever done, its my first fanfiction ever and I just love Stucky so much like you have no idea. I had to think about what to write, there are some Harry Potter references too (I'm sorry, I am in love with these books.) I edited this fic like a hundred times, but finally, its done and ready for you to read it. Comment if you liked it, the best part about writting is knowing that there are persons who enjoy reading my work.

_"_ _There are many who don't wish to sleep for fear of nightmares. Sadly, there are many who don't wish to wake for the same fear."_

 

It happened again, five nights in a row, but a sixth time now, he could not believe it was possible. Six nights, Bucky has not been able to sleep for six nights in a row, and there was only one reason: nightmares. The thing is that they are not only nightmares, but memories. Bucky started to remember events about his life as a sergeant, as a normal person, but he also started to remember all what he had done as the Winter Soldier. But why until now they started to haunt him? He had gained most of his memory months ago.

 _I did that. I killed you, and you._ Bucky thought, at that moment he despised HYDRA more than he had in his whole life. Thanks to them, he couldn't be a normal person, he was just an assassin, thanks to them he has not been able to sleep for almost a week. Two nights ago he had a nightmare about the time he fell from the train. _I should have died there, I wouldn't be suffering so much right now,_ Bucky thought.He tried to read books of these doctors, _what was their name?_ _ah, psychologists_. Several times he had considered visiting one of them, but psychologists only listen to your problems and worst fears, they can't fix them or tell you how to move on with your life. But what would a psychologist do if one day an assassin entered his office asking for help? Not only would he call the police, but he will probably end up in a mental hospital where psychiatrists would tell him he is crazy.

But Bucky is not crazy, those nightmares haunt him, remind him who he is and the things he has done.

 _Fuck this shit,_ Bucky thought. There is only one person who can help him, and that person is not a doctor, nor a scientist. _He is my best friend._ He was the first person he had remembered, and he could not stop thinking about him. Bucky grabbed his coat and his glove, to hide his metal arm, grabbed his backpack and a cap. He had to find him. Before he left his hiding place only one word escaped his mouth:

"Steve."

 

* * *

 

 _"_ _It's getting the right person that's the challenge."_

 

It was not difficult to find Steve's place, one visit to the museum and he knew exactly where to go. He wondered if Steve's home was also crowded with people. Fans and cops, maybe. Bucky thought he would find a big house with fancy things, instead, he found a nice little apartment, perfect for one person to live in. Bucky entered through the window, the lights were turned off, perhaps Steve was not home, probably saving the world with the help of his powerful friends. He turned a light on, Bucky found himself in the kitchen, everything was clean. Bucky started to remember Steve's place in Brooklyn, _he loved his home_. Bucky remembered how Steve's eyes would shined with pride whenever someone asked him where was he from.

_Brooklyn_

Steve was still a skinny boy at that time. _Where has time gone by?_   was the only thing that wandered in Bucky's mind at that precise moment, he left the kitchen and entered the living room, he left his backpack on the couch. He started to examine the living room, he found some drawings, _so he still draws._ Bucky remembered Steve's sketchbook, he was so talented, he could draw simple doodles that will look like a masterpiece _. He is still talented;_ as he continued passing the sketchbook pages,Bucky found two drawings: a tree and a window through the one a sunset could be seen. Bucky wondered what those drawings meant, _focus_ he told to himself, he had come here for one reason. Bucky turned off the lights and decided to wait for Steve.

…...

Steve arrived to the apartment two hours later, it was past midnight.As he entered  the first thing he saw was a backpack on the couch, _that is not mine,_ he thought. There was someone here, and he decided to find that person. It was not a difficult task because that person was sitting on the table, it was a man. The lights were still off, but the table was near the window and the moonlight shined directly into the man's eyes showing a crystal clear blue and grey.

 _Those eyes,_ _I know only one person with those blue eyes._

Steve immediately turned the lights on.

"Bucky" he said.

Bucky stared directly at Steve, it had been a long time since he last saw him. _Oh shit,_ Bucky thought, he had not planned how to start a conversation with him. Should he say hello? Or should he simply say ' _Hey Steve, I'm here because  I am an assasin who has problems with nightmares and you are the only person who can help me.Can you help me please?' ._ No, that would sound harsh and uneducated, Bucky remembered Steve always had an issue with manners and language. Instead, he decided to start with a question.

"Where were you?" he said

Steve laughed, "So now you are interested to know where do I spent my Friday nights?"

"You were never a person who liked to come home late, especially not at night." Bucky said.

Steve placed a hand on his hip and stared at him, he couldn't believe it _Bucky was here!_ He had been trying to find him for a long time and finally he appeared at his home.

"That is not important now. I'm-" _happy to see you because, no, more than happy. Because I have been looking for you._ "-glad to see you." Steve finally said, he had so many things to talk with Bucky, but for now a greeting seemed like the best thing to do.

"I know you are, and I know that you and your friend have been trying to find me" Bucky said with a grin on his face.

Steve remembered that time in Tony's party, when Ultron appeared for the first time and things went downhill, when Sam had told him that he was looking for Bucky. Sam had been helping Steve all this time.

"Well, you are the kind of person that doesn't like to be found." Steve said as he sat in the table with Bucky. There was an awkward silence until Steve spoke again.

"Buck, I'm glad to see you here, you should know that. All this time trying to find you and finally, you appear at my home in the middle of the night. It is not a coincidence, but somehow I always knew that the only way to find you, was you finding me; which is not a difficult task, by the way. You wouldn't be here if it wasn't something important. Is someone following you? Have you discovered important information that I should know? Why are you here Bucky?"

"Steve, you always know what to say. Always trying to help people." Bucky said looking at Steve's eyes, a deep baby blue color. Steve was the only person he knew who had those eyes. He had to tell him the real reason he was here, this was his chance. "I'm here, because I need your help. I don't care if you think its stupid or if you think I am weak or pathetic. You are the only person who can help me"

"You know I will never think you are stupid, weak or pathetic." Steve said with a smile on his face.

It felt so natural, so good to be talking with him. _And it has always been like this_ , Bucky thought, there was nothing better than to talk with your best friend.

"Tell me what's wrong, I can help." Steve said

Bucky sighed," I haven't been able to sleep in…" how many time had passed? It was six days since he had last counted, and since he had decided to look for Steve's help. Bucky had stopped counting, it could be weeks, months now. Bucky sighed and continued talking "… a long time. Remember how I always said nightmares were stupid? Not anymore, nightmares are the reason I can't sleep, not only nightmares, since I gained my memories back, they haunt me and make me feel...guilty" Bucky was not even looking at Steve when he said the last word. _Guilty_

Steve just looked at him.

"Its okay if you decide not to help me, but if you can't help me; then, no one can." Bucky said as he took his cap off, he had completely forgotten he was still wearing it, his long hair was sweaty and tangled.

"Don't say those things, of course I can help you. What kind of person would I be if I didn't help my best friend?" Steve said as he placed one of his hands in Bucky's shoulder.

"What kind of person would you be if you help an assassin?" Bucky said coldly, still not looking at him.

"I think that would make me a good person, I always want to do what is right, and I feel like helping you is the right thing to do." Steve's words were so sincere; honest, almost as if he were speaking with his heart in his hands." Okay, I am not an expert but I will try to help you in every possible way I can, first of all, I need to know when was the last time you slept." Steve asked him.

Bucky couldn't remember," I… I don't know. I think it was that time, when the world was still on war, and you and I were just two simple soldiers" Then he looked at him, he had changed so much "Well, when I was just a simple soldier."

Steve laughed "I know what you mean. That time when it was just you and me against the world. Well..." he said as he rose from the table, "we could start there."

Bucky looked confused " What, in the 1940's?"

Steve laughed again, this time harder, it felt so good to laugh. And Bucky enjoyed hearing his laughter, it was one of the things he missed most about Steve, his laughter. Bucky just smiled, then Steve said " No, not the 1940's it would be amazing though, but no. And the second thing we need to do is: you need to sleep."

"What if I have a nightmare again?" Bucky asked, he sounded almost like a small child, too afraid to go to sleep, thinking that his nightmares will become  real one way or another.

"That is the reason you are here, because you need my help. Perhaps I don't have the power to stop nightmares, but I can help you deal with them. C'mon Buck, follow me."

Bucky followed Steve into a bedroom, was every part of this damn apartment clean?. They entered the bedroom, Bucky wondered if that was Steve's bedroom, it couldn't be, nothing in this room reminded Bucky of him.

"This is the guest's room, as you can see, I usually don't use it because…well I don't have guests very often. You will sleep here." Steve said. The room was big enough only for one person, it had one window, not with a spectacular view, but it was a good place for Bucky to sleep. In fact, this bedroom was better than his hiding place.

"You always have a backup plan, don't you?" Buck

"Maybe I do." A smile formed in Steve's lips.

"My plan right now is to sleep. Goodnight, punk." Bucky friendly punched Steve in the shoulder with his human hand, the one that was made of flesh and bones.  "And...Steve?"

"Yes, Bucky?" Steve said handing him a blanket and some pillows that were in a closet.

" Thank you." Bucky said, he finally smiled after a long time.

Steve answered him back with a smile  " 'night, Buck." Those were the last words of Steve as he closed the door and walked directly to his bedroom.

The truth was that, Bucky was really tired. He sat on the bed and placed his hands in the sheets, God it was cold. He decided not to take his coat, he placed his head in the pillow and was determined to rest, at least for a night. With Steve just a few steps away from him, instead of miles, he should be able to sleep tonight.

What could possibly go wrong?

…...

The problem was not the bed, nor the room, it were the nightmares. Usually, when Bucky had a nightmare he would just wake up and he would not be able to sleep again. This time it was different, he woke up not only covered in sweat, but also screaming. He sounded like if he were in pain, no, like if he was causing pain and suffering to someone else. Steve ran and inmediately entered the bedroom the moment he heard him screaming.

"Bucky!" Steve grabbed him by the shoulders "Buck! Calm down, you are okay, you are here with me. You are okay." Steve was wearing his pajamas, trying to calm Bucky who was shaking and trembling.

Bucky was panting, looking directly at Steve _its not real , not real, not real_ he said to himself. When he calmed down, Steve spoke

"Its okay, don't worry. I'm here" he was still grabbing Bucky's shoulders, determined not to let him go.

"I'm sorry. Usually its not like this. I woke you up Steve, I'm sorry." Bucky said as he tried to clean the sweat from his face.

Steve had a handkerchief in his hands, he started to clean Bucky's face and hands, they were covered in sweat "Remember, I'm here to help you. Tell me about it, about the nightmare."

"No, I-" how was he supposed to describe a nightmare? Should he start by explaining the physical or the mental pain he felt? 

"Then how am I supposed to help you if you don't tell what are your nightmares about? C'mon, Its okay" Steve said as he finished cleaning Bucky's face.

Bucky took a deep breath, Steve was right. The reason he came here was for his help.

He used his metal arm to remove the hair from his face, _I need a haircut,_ he thought, but that was not important right now. He started to speak, "There was a woman, I don't who, but she knew me. And there was a little boy with her, it was probably her son, they both knew me and they were telling me to stop. First, I killed her, while the boy was still watching, then I killed the boy. The last thing I heard was someone saying 'Good job, Winter'. But I could feel their pain, they knew me, And the problem is that I can't distinguish a nightmare from a memory."

_What if it was  a memory? What if I really killed them? What if they were my familyor friends?"_

Steve paid attention to each of Bucky's words until he finally spoke "Bucky, listen to me, it doesn't matter if what you dreamed was just a nightmare or if it was something that really happened. That was not you, Buck. They used you, I know you, you would never harm innocent people, you are not the villain, but just another victim. Stop trying to pretend you are the bad guy. Did you hear me? Its not your fault." He finished speaking, but Steve could not tell him it that was a nightmare or if it was just another job done by the Winter Soldier.

Steve checked the clock " Its late, the sun will rise soon. Try to sleep again, at least just for a moment."

And Bucky did as Steve told him, somehow those words _' not the villain, but just another victim'_ helped him to sleep. He was with Steve, everything was supposed to be better now.

 

* * *

 

 _"_ _Knowledge is power, if you know it about the right person"_

 

When Bucky woke up, Steve was not home, he panicked. He couldn't have slept for more than two hours, where was Steve? When he entered the kitchen, he found a note, it was Steve's handwritting.

 

**_Fury called, I had to leave early, be back soon, don't worry._ **

**_I made breakfast for you, don't know if you like coffee or juice, so there's both. My home is your home, do anything you want, except breaking stuff. Okay?_ **

**_-S_ **

 

Bucky laughed at the last part. It was a cold morning, so he decided to eat his breakfast and drink coffee. Steve had left him clean clothes, after breakfast, Bucky decided to take a bath and to wear the clean clothes Steve left him, he untangled his long hair. Yes, he was definitively going to cut it. When he finished all this he decided to explore Steve's place.

He found many books and started wondering if Steve had read them all already. Bucky entered Steve's bedroom. Each part of his home was clean, but this one was not only clean, it reminded him of Steve everywhere. He had a window here, but this one had a better view, like if in the morning you could see the sun rising and in the afternoons setting. It reminded him of…

 _The drawing!_ The drawing he found yesterday on the table.

Bucky continued to explore the room, it smelled like Steve, it felt like him. It felt… good. Steve was pure, good, with a heart made of gold and a brave spirit; he was always ready to fight for what is right, his brave spirit was one of the things Bucky liked the most about Steve; he was starting to believe Steve was perfect.

.After much exploring, he found Steve's old sketchbook,Bucky could not believe he still had it. Probably he would not get mad if Bucky looked at some drawings. He found a drawing of a couch and a lamp, a bookshelf, a flower pot...

 _Its like he has drawn a house,_ Bucky thought. But it was not this one, the bookshelf that was in the picture was smaller than the one he saw in the living room.

After exploring the whole house, Bucky decided to go for a walk, but not to be late. What would Steve's reaction be if he didn't find him?

…...

Steve arrived early as he had promised Bucky. Bucky was sitting in the couch reading a book.

"Hey" Steve said. "Found something to do while I was gone?"

"I did. You know, back in our times, books were about romance, adventures or mysteries, but this-" Bucky said while holding the book in front of Steve's face, it had a picture of a boy riding a broom " A book about magic? How come this boy never knew he is a wizard? And now he must go to this amazing school where he will learn how to be a wizard, its just... amazing. Literature has changed so much." Bucky said, opening the book again to keep reading it. _It is so good._

" Never thought that you would like that type of literarture, Buck. Oh, and there are 6 more books of that boy. His name is _'Harry Potter' ,_ its a whole saga."

"How do you know that?" Bucky asked.

"I may have heard Clint talking about it sometimes, he gave me the book. He said I should definitively add reading those books and watching the movies to my list. We could try to get the other books and complete the collection, if you want." There was enthusiasm in Steve's voice, collecting Harry Potter books with Bucky sounded really fun.

Bucky's eyes widened when he heard that "Huh, it seems like we'll be busy getting those books. I am decided to read them all and start catching up with modern day culture. I wonder in which House would the Sorting Hat-" Bucky had really said Sorting Hat?  not even he could believe it, "place me in." Bucky  finally said.

Steve smiled "Does it really matters?"

"Of course it does!" Bucky said. Were he and Steve really discussing about this topic? _Unbelievable._  

Bucky noticed Steve had something in his hands: it was a bag

"What'cha got there?" Bucky asked, curiosity was noticeable in his voice.

"I bought you some things." Steve said and handed the bag to Bucky

"Thanks." Bucky opened the bag and found clothes, a new coat, a scarf and a pajama.

"You went shopping?" Bucky asked, almost laughing.

"It was a difficult task, since I don't know what kind of clothes you like . Your favorite color is still red?" Steve asked him.

"Yeah, it is." Bucky said smiling. Steve still remembered his favorite color.

"Difficult to say, since all the clothes you wear are black."

"In that case, I would say that your favorite colors are blue, white and red. Right, Cap?" Bucky tried to imitate one of Captain America's poses when he said that.

"Funny, but I do like blue." And who wouldn't like blue anyway?

 

…...

That night, Bucky had a nightmare again, but Steve was there with him and they made the same thing that last night. Even though they didn't slept in the same room, Steve will always come running to Bucky's room and they would start to talk about the nightmare, Steve will remind him that it is not his fault and Bucky will somehow understand.

Steve would make him feel different, he felt safe when Steve was around. Like he could be himself, almost like if the old Bucky was slowly coming back to Steve. _Steve,_ the one he had lost, the one he had found, the one who was helping him. _The one._

Days passed by and Bucky could finally sleep, he had no more nightmares. Talking with Steve was of big help, Steve was the answer to his nightmares, to his problems. Steve had become everything to Bucky.

And Steve, he finally had his best friend back, he finally had that piece of his past that was missing. He felt complete with Bucky at his side

 

Bucky could finally sleep without a nightmare for a long time, until one night, he woke up from a nightmare he could not even describe to Steve because, the nightmare was about him.

He dreamed that Steve died, he dreamed he killed Steve. This time Bucky didn't woke up screaming, it was midnight. He was panting and covered in sweat.

_Steve, I can't…_

At least this time he knew that this was a nightmare, because Steve was on the other room. He rose from the bed and decided to go to Steve's room. He realized he was just wearing the pajamas Steve gave him. When he entered Steve's room, he was sleeping in his bed. _Damn_ , it was cold

Steve realized Bucky was there.

"Bucky, you okay? Another nightmare? " Steve said with sleepy eyes, Bucky felt terrible for waking him up.

"Yeah. I know it has been a while, but they are back." Bucky said while wrapping his arms around himself, the metal arm made him feel even colder. Steve noticed Bucky was shaking, perhaps from the cold weather or from the nightmare he just had.

"Well, at least now we know how to deal with them." Steve said as he sat on the bed, making space for Bucky to join him, probably the sheets will warm Bucky. Bucky noticed the space Steve made for him in the bed and immediately sat on it and wrapped himself and Steve with the sheets.

"Okay, tell me about it. What was it this time?" Steve said, staring at Bucky.

Bucky could barely talk about it "You. It was you Steve. I killed you."

Steve kept staring at him, he could clearly see what Bucky felt. _Fear._

Steve sighed and opened his mouth to speak, "But I am here, there is nothing to worry about. On the last couple of days you have demonstrated to be a good person, no matter what you did in the past, do not stick to it. Think about the present and the things you can do now. Bucky Barnes, you are my best friend and one of the best persons I know. I know you would never hurt me, or anyone else. Whatever that nightmare was about, its not real." Bucky's eyes never stopped looking to Steve while he talked.

"I know Steve, I'm just..." Bucky would finally say the word he thought would be gone forever.

"Just what? You can tell me, Buck"

And the word escaped Bucky's mouth "I'm afraid." The word made an echo inside his mind

Steve raised one eyebrow "Afraid? Of what?"

"Losing you, I'm afraid of losing the only person I care about right now, I don't even care about myself, but you" Bucky thought he was going to faint at that moment, the  pain he felt at the moment was unbearable, the thought of losing Steve caused him pain.

Bucky stared into Steve's deep blue eyes, moonlight entered through the window to make Steve's face appear like if he was glowing. It had a long time now since Steve started helping him, he felt like time with Steve was all he always needed.

He realized that he needed only one thing: Steve. He needed Steve in his life, Steve felt like home, if he was with Steve he would always be in the right place.

After much staring at each other, Steve grabbed Bucky's hands in his own " You're not losing me, I'm not going anywhere, that is something I can promise" Steve answered with a smile.

"Why are you so cold, anyway? Is that normal?" Steve asked, changing the topic and avoiding another akward silence.

"Metal arm, remember?" Bucky said as he raised his metal arm in front of Steve's face.

"I know" Steve laughed

He loved it when he laughed. How could he pay to Steve everything he had done for him? Bucky looked at him again, closer this time, he placed his hands in Steve's face, bringing him closer to him. Close enough until he finally kissed Steve. Even though it was cold, Steve's lips were warm and soft, Bucky closed his eyes and decided to get lost in the magic of the moment; hewrapped his metal arm around Steve's neck to harden the kiss.

Bucky realized what he had done and immediately pulled back.

"I'm sorry." Bucky said, "I just wanted to thank you for everything you have done for me, not only helping me with my nightmares. But for everything ,its okay if you don't want to keep helping me now, if you want to, I will leave right now and-"

"Shut up, Bucky" Steve said and he kissed Bucky, this time it felt like a real kiss, because their lips were both moving. Bucky placed his both hands around Steve's neck to pull him closer, and Steve placed his hands in Bucky's waist. The kiss was perfectly synchronized now. They fell to bed, Steve on top of Bucky and they continued to kiss. It felt so warm, so good, that it was difficult to let go. 

"We've never done this before, right?" the smile on his face was so big it was very difficult to hide.

"No. Why?" Steve said and kissed him again, his lips felt good. When was the last time Steve had kissed someone? He didn't remembered, but it was worth it, waiting so long and finally kissing someone he truly loved

"Because I would have remembered, and I bet I would have had dreams about it." Bucky said. He was still smiling.

Steve laughed and then kissed Bucky's forehead  "Its cold, do you want to sleep here today?" he asked Bucky pulling the sheets to wrap themselves again, the kiss had somehow made them fall from bed.

"Just for today?" Bucky asked laughing

"Sleep here every fucking night you want to." 

"Steve Rogers, did I heard you using the 'f word?' " Maybe he really didn't care about language anymore.

"Sorry."

And they curled together in bed, Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky and caressed his long brown hair. When they were falling asleep, Buckasked

"Steve?"

"Huh?"

"I wanted to ask about your sketchbook. I saw some drawings that kind of looked familiar to me, its like you have drawn a home."

"The things I drew there," Steve said as he touched Bucky's hair "were the things in the old home we shared in Brooklyn"

That is why they looked familiar

Steve continued to stroke his hair until Bucky finally stopped him "Stop it, I am considering cutting it off"

"Don't you dare to cut your hair. I like it"

They both laughed

"If you like it, then I won't cut it. Oh and, Steve?" Bucky asked.

"Yes?" Steve answered with a sleppy voice.

"I finished reading the first Potter book. When can we start looking for the other six books?" He was really excited to read them all.

"We'll start tomorrow, I promise you, we'll get them all." after that he kissed Bucky on his head, Bucky understood that gesture meant  'goodnight'

Bucky had two reasons to dream tonight: first, he would soon have all the Potter books, and second: Steve was at his side that night.

Since that night, they slept together in Steve's room, Bucky never had a nightmare anymore. He felt good, safe, he felt… complete. No matter the place where he is, as long as he is with Steve, he would always feel like home.

 

 _"_ _Home is any four walls that enclose the right person"._

* * *

 


End file.
